I'm trying...

I know that God wants for me to be in this marriage, to make it work. I know that God expects us to take our vows seriously. I'm trying. It's so hard though. I don't know how to show happiness, I wasn't taught. Growing up I was punished by my father for being happy, so displaying smiles and laughing out loud are difficult. Also communication was not something that occurred so I do not always know what I am supposed to say, so many times I am guarded and show little in the way of positive emotion for fear of saying the wrong thing.

We are going to church every Sunday now and that makes me feel really good, and I think it makes my wife happy too. I am working on personal growth and trying to get my mood swings and emotions under control. I am always trying. That and praying is all that I can do. I do not plan on giving up. This is my home, and this is my family. I love them and they are worth whatever effort it takes to get this marriage on track.

I keep trying...

but it just doesn't seem to be good enough, because no matter how hard I try I seem to come up short. I just seem to bring the worst out in people.

Kossoy Sisters- I'll Fly Away - O Brother Where Art Thou

What can I call this?

Today is the 4th of October. in 13 days it will be four months since we all lost Jake. For the first two months I would sob whenever he came into my mind. For this last month I have cried less and less and now I am just filled with a sense of loss. Senseless loss. I have a void, a great emptiness inside that is incapable of being filled at this time. I am also filled with anger. I have a great amount of hatred for the person who robbed my Brother of his love for life. I know that the hatred I feel is unChristian and unhealthy, but I don't know how else to feel. I have prayed about it, but maybe I just haven't prayed the right way. I don't know. I don't know what to do about it.

I do know that I pray for a "visit" from my Brother, to see him in dreams, to hear his voice... anything. I get nothing but more sadness. No mystical visits, no comforting dreams. Nothing. Tap tap tap... is this thing on?

And I wonder. Why can I not see him when others do? Why can I not hear him or smile with him in my dreams? Have I done something wrong or am I being punished? I just don't know. It just doesn't make sense. This entire thing is senseless.

Building my own home, part one... the beginning.

My plan is to move back to Louisiana and live on the land that I was most happiest in life. The home I lived in isn't available anymore, but the folks who own the land have agreed to allow me to move onto the land their late son lived on. They enjoyed my living there and look at me as family. They have agreed to charge me a very small monthly lot fee and there is water, septic tank, electricity and phone hook ups all there. I asked if i could put up a small building and they agreed. I have drafted scale plans for a small 700 sq ft cabin type home that is very nice. I will do the majority of work myself and ask for help only when I need help lifting framed walls so that I can tack them into place. I will do the electrical, plumbing, roofing, and everything else.

I am going to have to put this thing together on a shoe string budget and will likely need to accumulate building materials. I have broken the materials list into two categories: materials needed to frame the home from the ground up creating a livable structure that will keep the weather off of me while I live there and continue to build. The second list is comprised of materials needed to finish the home off. Things such as toilet, sinks, tub, pvc piping, faucets, electrical wiring and various electrical extras needed to run appliances such as an a/c, refrigerator, small stove, small washing machine, ceiling fan, and 5 plug boxes throughout the small structure.

If I am able to pull this off I will post pictures as I go. This has been my life long dream and sadly, in my dreams my Brother helped me build it and I shared it with someone I would spend the rest of my life with. I guess if it works out and I do get to build it I'll share it with Sunny and Daisy May, who have been my faithful, loyal and trusted friends for the past 11 years.


The first list

List of building materials:

Framing lumber (enough to create a walled and roofed shell with sub floor/floor)

-osb (Oriented strand board, which is far less expensive than plywood) (4x8x3/4) quantity of 78 pieces

-2x8x8 (pressure treated) quantity of 90 pieces

-2x4x8 (pressure treated) quantity of 200 pieces

-FGUR20 ASTM 30 Lb. Felt Quality Roof Deck Protection quantity of 3 rolls

-Black Fiberglass Mineral Surfaced quantity of 6 rolls

-Grip-Rite 2d, 1 In. 5-Lb Electro-Galvanized Roofing Nails quantity of 1 box

-Grip Rite 16d, 3-1/4 In. 30-Lb Bucket Coated Sinker Nails quantity of 60 pounds (two buckets)

-Grip Rite 1-1/4 In. Coarse Drywall Bucket 25 Lb quantity of 50 pounds (two boxes)

-Deck Mate 1 Pound 2-1/2 In. Green Premium Exterior Screws quantity of 5 pounds (five boxes)

-Exterior latex paint, OD (olive drab) quantity of 5 gallons

With lots of prayer, dreaming, hard work, and help from friends I just may be able to make this happen. Stay tuned.

Mad World - Gary Jules

Some days...

Some days I'll be driving, and I'm always thinking about Jake. And pictures of how he passed will come into my mind and I will see that demon that was there at that horrible moment and I will think of all the details that people don't want to think of. I have seen a great many terrible things in my life, so the images come to my mind's eye. I push them away with Herculean effort and anger flows in to fill their place. I reflexively strike out at my dash or steering wheel. The desire crush something with my anger is tangible. It is as real as thunder during a storm.

And then it fades away and I am left with that terrible knowledge of what really is and I drive on.

How in the world...

... do things go so wrong? How do our plans fall so far from our ideas?

It was nasty, but we'll take it.

Hey Brother, it was 25-22 and a nail biter, but we won and we'll take it.
Love you,
Buddy

We Rollin' Brother!

Hey Jake, the Saints defense just caused a safety and then the offense dominated and it's now 9-0 Saints. I know you're watching with a grin, but I'll keep you posted. I love you, Brother.
Buddy

For Jess

You are an amazing woman who is also an amazing mother. Being your husband wasn't a thing I took lightly, I failed at it, but always had hopes that I would become the man you wanted me to be, or that I would settle in. In the end I think it is a case of me having too much of my father's old ways, and you having a little of your mother's old ways. Perhaps I was never meant to be taken from the woods. I do know that some wild things can not live apart from the wild. We had so much passion in all that we did, I will always love you and always have regrets. I know this. Perhaps I'll find the resources to build the little cabin my heart has always desired, perhaps I'll get my old job back and live comfortably in quiet predictability. I don't know, but I do know that I will miss you just as I miss my Brother, and that just like his and my relationship I will have regrets.


When I was growing up my mother would tell me "we learn from our mistakes... we just don't want to get our whole education that way" and also "life is lived going forward, but understood looking back" and I can only pray that we'll both take some positive things from this. I am so sorry that I let you and the kids down. I have laid awake for the past week and a half wishing I'd done so much so differently, but what's done is done and I don't think I'll ever be able to outrun or live down the mistakes I made. I hurt your heart in far too many ways, and that is something that will never leave me. Hurting the people you love is the most terrible thing a person can do.

I don't know if we'll be friends in the future. I don't know if I'll come here and fish with your father and do things with the kids... I don't want to do the wrong things and send mixed messages to young minds. I know the kids will be ok before long because they have their dad who is a really good guy, and they have their mother who is a wonderful woman.

My prayer is that you find true and lasting happiness. I hope that you meet a man that puts you over the moon in every way and that you live long and happily together. I pray for the boys to have wonderful independent lives that are productive and filled with love. I pray that Bella is happy and continues to strive for perfection. If anyone can achieve it, it will be her!

I will find my woods and build my cabin, I will smell the rain on the pines and hear the rooster crow in the early morning hours... and someday it'll all be alright for us both.

It still hurts the second time

I remember back in 2000 when my then wife came to me, I was indeed unsuspecting, and told me that she was leaving me. I was crushed. It seemed like I was dying. I remember being stuck in rush hour California traffic sitting in my truck crying... sobbing. And I remember people around me. I saw several of them laughing. Yeah, people are fun like that.

Well, here were are, fast forward to 2010. My wife has informed me that "it's over" and even though it really comes as no surprise, I love her. I love her kids. Heck, I even like her ex. But what I don't like is Alabama, or city living, or being six (6) hours from my family and the places I am "deep in my DNA" familiar with. I don't like that. I have felt cornered and have had a fair amount of resentment that has caused me to act poorly and mistreat people. People that I love. No, I am not alone in this, it always takes two people to fight, but I can and will admit that I have been uneasy to live with, emotionally abusive, and unpredictable. This is my cross to bear. I WILL bear it. I will carry it and I will strike out at anyone that comes along and tries to lift it from my shoulders. Why? Because a hard head makes for a soft ass. I have both and a face with no nose.

Yes, I love my wife.

I wish that we could live in that simple trailer out in the woods where I was when we met. We can't though. We all know we can't.

Today is the 17th. It's September 17th, which is 3 months to the day from my Brother's death. The time is 4:56. In 9 minutes it will be the time that he died. At 6:02 p.m. it will be the time when my youngest sister called me and forever changed my life. I hate answering the phone when family calls now. It scares me.

I miss Jake. I wish we were together, but I have a life here on this flawed Earth where people foster and spread apathy. Here where I along with everyone else is imperfect. I have this life to live until it's my time to leave it and go where the Lord deems I merit being. I will carry out this sentence and try to do so with "good behavior" in spite of my past poor behavior. I will bear this cross just like everyone else.

So now that my wife has told me that it's over and that she is just keeping me grounded in reality when she tells me how I have messed things up, it somehow hurts a little less. My tears come mostly at night, when I realize we are sleeping in separate rooms and I will not feel her soft warm feet rub my calf and warm my heart. That's when my tears mainly come. I see her body and it calls to me. I want to hold her like a husband does and love her. I haven't done so enough and she thinks that I hate her or am not attracted to her. Neither is the truth. I have just built up a wall of misery and have not been able to chip it down enough to love her in all the ways she deserves to be loved.

But it does... it still hurts the second time. I guess scar tissue forms over all wounds. I know I will miss her. I miss her now. I miss so many things. I miss you Jake. It's now one minute after you left that human body and this flawed Earth. Yep. I miss you. I guess there is just o much hurt in the air that the hurt from this isn't noticed over the hurt from that. All I can do is wish love, health, and happiness for my wife. She is a remarkable woman who has overcome things that would drive most people to complete resignation. I wish her all that she deserves, including better than me. I love her, and I miss her and I will keep loving her and miss her more.

I love, I miss, I hurt, I carry, I this, I that.

Welcome to life. It's a hoot.

I just can't cope with this.

I just can't find a way to cope with this. I pray, I write, I just don't know what to do. I have too much to bear right now.

Hey Jake, the New Orleans Saints are 1-0

Hey little Brother, the Saints are the only undefeated team in the NFL. They beat Brett Favre and his vikings last night to start the season on Thursday night football. It was a sloppy, poorly played game but they pulled the "V" out and that's all that matters. I hope you had fun watching it. I love you and miss you.
Buddy

You were so beautiful.

You were so beautiful
The time we had was beautiful
The 40 years was not enough
Taking it from us was like robbery
The void you left is bigger than time
It’s like a force of sadness leaving me crying
I can not forget and remembering hurts
Its like losing you again every time I remember you
I want to so bad, want to see your face
I want so bad to hear your voice
I wish so bad that we were together
But nothing here in this place
Can bring you back
And I pray and I pray
Just to dream about you
But I dream of mundane
And things untrue
I ask God to bring me dreams of you
Or bring me your ghost so we can talk
Mostly my shame and all my regrets
Are driving me sick and wont let me heal
Because all that I should have done
And all I should have said
So much left undone
not having you here
not seeing your face
missing you
it never gets easier
each day is a waste
but the times we had
they were so beautiful
your smell, your voice,
you laughter,
your ways…
all of it perfect in every way.

When forever is no more.

Once upon a time if asked “how long would you like to live?” I would answer without thinking: “as long as I want. Forever… or at least until I feel I’ve done it all. At least 10,000 years.” I knew that to live such a long life meant that you would likely outlive all of the people you loved, but the thought of my own mortality held too great a sway over the thought of such loss.

Back then (which wasn’t all that long ago, early June 2010 to be exact) I thought dying was my greatest fear. I had truly lived a blessed life. I lost all of my grand parents when I was young, but that was really it as far as my experience with my family’s mortality. I can remember that even as a young child the thought of dying would send me into a panic. I had known people that died, and I had seen people die. I had helped to try and save a few people who died despite my efforts. It had always been traumatic, but it was always something I could eventually shake off.

I always had a healthy respect for my own mortality and even though I participated in dangerous activities such as riding motorcycles, hunting, deep sea fishing in Alaska and many dangerous military activities I always made a reasonable attempt to be safe. For instance, I would not play golf or fish if it happened to be lightening outside, or I always wore a helmet while riding, even in places with no helmet laws. I didn’t want to be injured or killed, so I tried to think safely.

Times change. Life happens all around you and then one day everything you thought you knew is different.

I’ve always been bad with times and dates. I basically remembered three birthdays in my family, mine, my mother’s, and one of my nephews. I was able to remember my nephew’s birthday because it was on Halloween. Dates can mean all sorts of things to people. Some are exciting and joyous, some are important dates to be remembered or observed, and some are dates that mark life changing events.

The times and dates that changed my life are: June 12th-16th, and June 17th, 2010, 5:05 p.m., and 6:02 p.m.

June 12th through June 16th was when I was supposed to drive back to Louisiana to spend time with my Mother and my Brother, but was unable to leave town because of car troubles.

June 17th is when my Brother died. It was a Thursday and he died at 5:05 p.m., and I found out at 6:02 p.m. 6:02 p.m. on that Thursday afternoon (a day which had been pretty good for me up to that point) of June 17th, 2010 is when everything I thought I knew and felt about life changed. It changed in one horrible second after answering my cell phone. The world became a different place, family gained a new meaning, and I became a different person. They say you never get over something that terrible. They say you learn to live with it and each passing day becomes unnoticeably easier than the day before. They say that eventually you start to remember the good memories and are able to laugh and smile. They say a lot of things, but none of it means anything until you get that call or knock at the door. That’s when the terrible wisdom of the ages rushes into your mind and heart like a runaway train.

June 17th at 6:02 p.m. is when my forever became “no more” and everything I thought I knew about death and loss became real in my mind. I’ve often heard of older folks or terminally ill people saying that death no longer frightened them. They somehow had come to a place in life where it wasn’t scary, and to some it was even welcomed. I thought they surely must be insane. Now I know better. The thought of my own mortality no longer frightens me. I have faith in God, and I believe in the supreme sacrifice that Jesus made for me so that I could enter into the Kingdom of Heaven. I also have faith that my Brother Jake is now in Heaven. The thought of dying isn’t scary to me anymore because I have faith that the moment my soul loses it’s spark and my body expires, I will open my eyes and see that lopsided grin of Jake’s. I long to see Jesus and truly know God, I long to have the wisdom of the ages availed to me, and I long to be in eternal paradise… but I so long to see my Brother again. I dream of walking side by side with him, sitting with him, eating and drinking, laughing, talking. I long to be in the glow and warmth that Jake’s amazing soul had always put off and surely now must be innumerably more intense.

Today my forever is no more, but I know that someday it will be back, and it will be real. It will truly be forever.

Hey little Brother!

Hey Jake, I just wanted to say hi and let you know that I am thinking about you. I miss you and I love you. We got Malcolm off to school in Taladaga and I was so excited because I knew how much you would have loved to have seen the big race track!

I'm getting ready to head out to derby practice. We have a home bout coming up against the Chattanooga roller girls and we hope to have a win. I have to stay on these girls and keep their nose to the grindstone, but it's fun. I wish you could come see a bout, I know you would just love it and maybe even find a good woman! ;)

Anyway, I love you and you never leave my heart or thoughts. I look forward to seeing you again someday and never leaving your side.

Love you,
Buddy

Dear Jake

Dear Jake,

It's been a while since I wrote to you. Usually when I write it's to tell you how to take car of some kind of animal, or where the best woods around my house to hunt in are. I just wanted to tell you that I really miss you. It's been a long time since I saw you and got to hug you, or to kid around with you and share a laugh. I just got back from momma's house the other day. I drove up and spent some time with momma, dad, Lori, and Shari. I even got to see some of the grand-nephews and nieces!

We're getting ready to send Malcolm off to school. He'll be living in the dorms with lots of other kids but he'll get to come home regularly. It's going to be tough sending him to school, but it's the best thing for him. We all know that he has the potential for a good and independent life, and this school is going to be the key to making that happen. We're going to miss him and worry about him. Maybe if you get a chance you can check in on him from time to time. I would really appreciate that. I think Add and Bella are going to be OK, but we're worried that other family who love him so much can't see what a great opportunity this is. We're hoping they'll come around in time as they see the positive changes in Malcolm.

Momma told me she saw you in a dream the other night and that it really made her heart feel better. I really wish that I could have a dream like that. It's still really hard for me to look at your pictures because it just reminds me of the terrible truth as we humans see it. It's impossible to imagine what Heaven is like, so I can't conceive of what things are like for you, I just know they're wonderful. But I miss you, and I am an imperfect human, so my grief and selfishness stand in the way of knowing that you're in a better place than this war torn, hate-ridden world we live in. I have my own share of hate. I'm going to try to give it over to the Lord though. Knowing that some terrible person hurt your heart is almost more than I can carry around. The "Buddy" in me compels me to act like a grizzly bear protecting it's family, but the "Lance" in me compels me to keep myself in check so that our families aren't further hurt. It's so hard. It's not for me though, it's for them. If it were just me, I wouldn't care. Anyway, you know what I mean so I won't go into it any more.

I finally started talking to dad again, I wish you could have been with us when we started talking. I know how powerfully good it would have made you feel. It's just another of my regrets. I also got saved, because it was heavy on my heart and I remember how concerned you were for me. Don't worry, I took care of it. I may be slow, but I come around eventually.

I will keep trying to be a better person, to help our families, and to be a better Christian. I miss you and I love you and some day we'll get to see each other again. I look forward to that time more than words can say.

Until then,
I love you.
Your brother Buddy.

Time drags on here in this dark and frightful place

It has been over a month since I lost my best friend and Brother. His name was and is Jake Gregory Wendling. Much of who he was as a man is someone that came to be while I was gone, out exploring the world. But even as we were apart for those years there was a bond, a closeness to us that I could sense his growing. I was always so proud of him. When he started working out and getting bigger and stronger, I was impressed. I didn't show him how much though, and I now wish that I had. When he got sober, I was so thankful and happy. He was always my hero and I was his big brother. At times I took that role too far, and I babied him. He may have not have always understood why I treated him so, but it was because he was so precious. As I have said, he is the only man I've ever wanted to be more like. He was none of the things that I have always been. he was slow to anger, not vengeful, easy to laugh and smile, he would gladly show his love for all of God's children and creations. He was not perfect, but he was a wonderful kind and truly loving person. When he left this world a great vacuum opened up in my soul. A great emptiness that has left me without purpose or direction, without desire or happiness. Where once there was the greatest love for my Brother and knowledge that my best friend would always be there, there is now just numbing sadness.

It's hard for the other people in my life to understand this, and for that I am so sorry. So sorry. I love my wife and children, my parents and sisters, my two dogs that I've had for the last eleven years... but I am so overcome with loneliness and grief that I can not smile. I can not eat. I feel like I am just marching in place.

My Brother. Oh how he was such a sweet person. He loved me and I him, he loved us all and cared so much for us. I missed the last six months of his life and we seldom spoke on the phone. There was no problem between us, life had just taken us in our own directions, like the flowing river that it is. Now all I feel is deep, deep regret that I didn't swim against that river and make more of an effort to be in his life. After all, he was truly my best friend. I will always feel like I let him down by not staying in touch. I have an anger for myself for allowing this to happen. I was the big brother. It was my job to be the one to keep the ties strong and I failed. Now it's all gone. There will never be another dinner with him, or fishing or hunting trip. There will never be another chance to help him with a project, or to just see him while visiting my mom. Never another hug and an "I love you, Brother" when I would bump into him somewhere in town. It hurts so much and it is so big and awful that I can not wrap my mind around it. It still hasn't sunk in like I know it will someday. I still can not completely accept that he is gone, but at the same time I do and that is why I am so miserable and filled with loneliness.

I don't know when or if I will ever get past this, but I am sorry for the way it must surely be affecting the rest of my family. To my wife, it is not you. You are just as beautiful as you have ever been, my heart still loves you and needs you. To my kids, both two and four legged, I still love you and am not angry or displeased with you, you are all wonderful and I am so proud of you. To my parents and sisters, I love you and pray that you all are having less difficulty with this than I am.

I love you all, but my heart is so broken that I do not know how I will ever put it together again.

Hem Of Your Garment - CAKE

I wish I could forget... because I almost can't remember

I am haunted by the image of my Brother, lying in his coffin with his eyes closed and glasses off, like he was sleeping. His lips were slightly parted on the right side, with just a glimpse of his teeth.

I can't remember seeing him alive and it's breaking my heart. I almost can't remember his voice. I can't look at pictures of him because it hurts so much. I hate being alive without him. I hate so deeply not having him with me. I've had my heart broken before, but this is beyond that. This is like having your eyes cut out and knowing you'll never see again, or having your back shattered and knowing you'll never walk again.

This hurt will never go away.

Children think deeper than we think

My son and I were going to the store and he was very quiet the whole way there and back. When we got near the house I asked him if he was sad about something and he said "yes"

I asked him what it was, thinking he was say that he missed his mom or would miss his brother who is soon going off to school, but he said "I miss Jake."

And that's all he said, but he said it with a deep and genuine sadness. I told him that I do too, every moment for the rest of my life.

Not going anywhere?

Today I was looking in my locker for something and I found a half eaten snickers candy bar. As I was about to throw it away I realized that I couldn't... it was the candy bar I bought the day my Brother died. I held it in my hand and I cried. I had eaten half of it while he was still alive. Just like that candy bar, my heart is forever torn in half.

This is my prayer.

Yesterday I was at work and I glanced up for a second and I saw my Brother. I was jolted and did a double take and of course it wasn't really him. The person was Jake's height and had his haircut and hair color. My heart was broken all over again.

Last week I was walking up my driveway thinking of Jake and wishing that I could just hug him once more, and I realized that my arms were out in front of me, encircling the empty air.

I pray Dear Lord, give me strength. I know that it is not my place to understand your will. I ask Dear Lord that you give me the strength, that you help me find the strength to accept it. I ask Dear Lord that you have pity on me and that you have mercy on me. I know that you are powerful beyond all measure and that anything you will can and will happen. I know that you can and often do teach us harsh lessons that we think of as cruel. We do not understand these lessons and often our faith in you comes into question. I ask you Dear Lord that you bolster my faith, that you make me like a rock in my faith. I ask that you make me thirsty to know you better and that you compel me to read and learn more about you.

I pray Dear Lord that you drive me to be a better man, to take responsibility for the things in life that are mine to own up to. I ask that you help me find the strength, wisdom, and patience that I need in order to be all the things to all the people in my life who need me, and whom I love. I ask Dear Lord that you compel me to never forget to do more for others than I do for myself. I ask for a servant's heart, Dear Lord. I have been humbled and my world is shaken to its core. I ask that you build me up, Lord. I ask that you guide me to do the right things, and to be a better person and to be the Christian that you wish for me to be.

I ask that you give strength and all the things that I ask for myself to my family as well. I ask that you keep us all close together, and that we never forget how to love each other, and that we always love, honor, and respect each other. I ask to be a better son, a better brother, a better husband, and a better father.

This is my prayer, Lord. I pray these things in the name of Jesus Christ and ask that you hear my prayer.
Amen.

Yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away...

It's sad that we take so much for granted. Most of the time we can love someone, be close to them in our heart, but allow time and space to keep us apart. We think that tomorrow will always be OK because they will be here.

When we are wrong it is the most terrible kind of wrong in the world. Without my Brother I have no care for life. I took him for granted, thinking him being younger he would always be here with me. I was so terribly wrong.

Even though I rubbed his hair and held his hand while he lay there in his casket I still can not accept that he is gone. I feel like there is a place somewhere where if I go and wait, he'll come along and we can go on living as Brothers and best friends. If I could just find that place. I feel dead inside. I feel empty and even though there are people in my life who love me, I feel alone. I am wracked with regrets about what I should have done, or should have known, or could have done or said to make things different.

I dream of him and we are doing things, going places. Mostly I am trying to keep him safe in my dreams. I feel like there is a stop watch or an hour glass at work and I an desperately trying to gain control of a bad situation and make it turn out all right, and then when I awake... I know that I have failed, and nothing is right.

Wisdom Teeth!

At 42 I just had my last wisdom tooth removed. When I was younger I had had a molar in front of the tooth pulled and over time the wisdom tooth had grown in to the space and replaced the older molar. It developed a cavity a few years ago and last year I decided to have it pulled. The dentist I saw convinced me to have it filled instead of pulled, so I went ahead and followed her advice. Bad mistake. She was not a very good dentist. She drilled into the root and instead of going ahead and pulling it she placed some kind of barrier over the exposed root and went ahead with the filling. It has caused me pain ever since.

Yesterday I finally had the tooth removed. They put me under and cut it out. I can finally look forward to some relief when this thing heals. Did someone say "ice cream"? Oh yeah!!!

Today is the first...

Last year started out tough. Tragic things happened in January and February that were difficult to recover from. The blessing was that these events did not include any of my family. Many heart felt and tough decisions were made in 2009 and things are slowly smoothing out. Just as not all change is good, not all change is bad. The constant is change it's self. We must be adaptive and able to find the positive if we are ever to be happy. My positive is that I have a beautiful new wife who mirrors me in more ways than anyone ever has yet still maintains a separate, strong identity. I have also gained an extended family, 3 new children and a mother and father in law whom I am very close to.

I believe that 2010 is going to be a good year. It will present it's share of challenges, but I believe it'll be filled with love, laughter, and happiness.

God blesses me daily. I am thankful for the blessings and lessons he bestows upon me and wish the same for all of you.