I remember back in 2000 when my then wife came to me, I was indeed unsuspecting, and told me that she was leaving me. I was crushed. It seemed like I was dying. I remember being stuck in rush hour California traffic sitting in my truck crying... sobbing. And I remember people around me. I saw several of them laughing. Yeah, people are fun like that.
Well, here were are, fast forward to 2010. My wife has informed me that "it's over" and even though it really comes as no surprise, I love her. I love her kids. Heck, I even like her ex. But what I don't like is Alabama, or city living, or being six (6) hours from my family and the places I am "deep in my DNA" familiar with. I don't like that. I have felt cornered and have had a fair amount of resentment that has caused me to act poorly and mistreat people. People that I love. No, I am not alone in this, it always takes two people to fight, but I can and will admit that I have been uneasy to live with, emotionally abusive, and unpredictable. This is my cross to bear. I WILL bear it. I will carry it and I will strike out at anyone that comes along and tries to lift it from my shoulders. Why? Because a hard head makes for a soft ass. I have both and a face with no nose.
Yes, I love my wife.
I wish that we could live in that simple trailer out in the woods where I was when we met. We can't though. We all know we can't.
Today is the 17th. It's September 17th, which is 3 months to the day from my Brother's death. The time is 4:56. In 9 minutes it will be the time that he died. At 6:02 p.m. it will be the time when my youngest sister called me and forever changed my life. I hate answering the phone when family calls now. It scares me.
I miss Jake. I wish we were together, but I have a life here on this flawed Earth where people foster and spread apathy. Here where I along with everyone else is imperfect. I have this life to live until it's my time to leave it and go where the Lord deems I merit being. I will carry out this sentence and try to do so with "good behavior" in spite of my past poor behavior. I will bear this cross just like everyone else.
So now that my wife has told me that it's over and that she is just keeping me grounded in reality when she tells me how I have messed things up, it somehow hurts a little less. My tears come mostly at night, when I realize we are sleeping in separate rooms and I will not feel her soft warm feet rub my calf and warm my heart. That's when my tears mainly come. I see her body and it calls to me. I want to hold her like a husband does and love her. I haven't done so enough and she thinks that I hate her or am not attracted to her. Neither is the truth. I have just built up a wall of misery and have not been able to chip it down enough to love her in all the ways she deserves to be loved.
But it does... it still hurts the second time. I guess scar tissue forms over all wounds. I know I will miss her. I miss her now. I miss so many things. I miss you Jake. It's now one minute after you left that human body and this flawed Earth. Yep. I miss you. I guess there is just o much hurt in the air that the hurt from this isn't noticed over the hurt from that. All I can do is wish love, health, and happiness for my wife. She is a remarkable woman who has overcome things that would drive most people to complete resignation. I wish her all that she deserves, including better than me. I love her, and I miss her and I will keep loving her and miss her more.
I love, I miss, I hurt, I carry, I this, I that.
Welcome to life. It's a hoot.