Friday, September 17, 2010

It still hurts the second time

I remember back in 2000 when my then wife came to me, I was indeed unsuspecting, and told me that she was leaving me. I was crushed. It seemed like I was dying. I remember being stuck in rush hour California traffic sitting in my truck crying... sobbing. And I remember people around me. I saw several of them laughing. Yeah, people are fun like that.

Well, here were are, fast forward to 2010. My wife has informed me that "it's over" and even though it really comes as no surprise, I love her. I love her kids. Heck, I even like her ex. But what I don't like is Alabama, or city living, or being six (6) hours from my family and the places I am "deep in my DNA" familiar with. I don't like that. I have felt cornered and have had a fair amount of resentment that has caused me to act poorly and mistreat people. People that I love. No, I am not alone in this, it always takes two people to fight, but I can and will admit that I have been uneasy to live with, emotionally abusive, and unpredictable. This is my cross to bear. I WILL bear it. I will carry it and I will strike out at anyone that comes along and tries to lift it from my shoulders. Why? Because a hard head makes for a soft ass. I have both and a face with no nose.

Yes, I love my wife.

I wish that we could live in that simple trailer out in the woods where I was when we met. We can't though. We all know we can't.

Today is the 17th. It's September 17th, which is 3 months to the day from my Brother's death. The time is 4:56. In 9 minutes it will be the time that he died. At 6:02 p.m. it will be the time when my youngest sister called me and forever changed my life. I hate answering the phone when family calls now. It scares me.

I miss Jake. I wish we were together, but I have a life here on this flawed Earth where people foster and spread apathy. Here where I along with everyone else is imperfect. I have this life to live until it's my time to leave it and go where the Lord deems I merit being. I will carry out this sentence and try to do so with "good behavior" in spite of my past poor behavior. I will bear this cross just like everyone else.

So now that my wife has told me that it's over and that she is just keeping me grounded in reality when she tells me how I have messed things up, it somehow hurts a little less. My tears come mostly at night, when I realize we are sleeping in separate rooms and I will not feel her soft warm feet rub my calf and warm my heart. That's when my tears mainly come. I see her body and it calls to me. I want to hold her like a husband does and love her. I haven't done so enough and she thinks that I hate her or am not attracted to her. Neither is the truth. I have just built up a wall of misery and have not been able to chip it down enough to love her in all the ways she deserves to be loved.

But it does... it still hurts the second time. I guess scar tissue forms over all wounds. I know I will miss her. I miss her now. I miss so many things. I miss you Jake. It's now one minute after you left that human body and this flawed Earth. Yep. I miss you. I guess there is just o much hurt in the air that the hurt from this isn't noticed over the hurt from that. All I can do is wish love, health, and happiness for my wife. She is a remarkable woman who has overcome things that would drive most people to complete resignation. I wish her all that she deserves, including better than me. I love her, and I miss her and I will keep loving her and miss her more.

I love, I miss, I hurt, I carry, I this, I that.

Welcome to life. It's a hoot.


  1. I am a good friend of your mom. I love that woman dearly. I am so sorry for all the loss in your life. Just trust the Lord. Pray. I will pray for you. My late mother always told me life was hard and I should pray harder. Her advice works every time. My brother-in-law is going through something very similar. He will be packing his things and moving near the Arctic Circle. He is a nurse and he loves the work. Life is hard but you write beautifully and you will be prayed for by many. I am sorry for the loss of your brother. Death is so cruel to the living. I am thinking about your precious family every day. Thank you for sharing here. Anne

  2. I am a friend of your Mom's and I am so sorry that you are going through so much pain. This is a really hard world!! But God has put us here for a reason. Your reason will be shown to you. Have faith and lean on Gods strength! I will have you in my prayers!

  3. Hey Buddy...Anne sent me over here....I don't know you...but I kind of want to come and stand in your corner...I lived broken for a long time...I know what it's like to hurt...and to hurt really bad. I also know that things turn around in time..Stay strong ok...Sarah

  4. Thanks for sharing your hurting heart. My prayers are with you. I understand loss. I lost my mom in 2006, and my big brother in 2008. I am now losing my vision. But, God loves you, you are not alone. Asking God to greatly comfort you.

  5. I'm visiting from Denise's blog. Just wanted to let you know that I will be praying for you. Lean on Jesus and know that He can take away your hurt.

  6. I'm stopping by from Denise's blog. I'm so sorry for your loss and your pain. I too lost my brother 3 months ago. June 7th. In a freak accident. And he was just starting to be happy again. Life seems so unfair sometimes, but God has that "helicopter view" that we don't. I will pray for you. Pray that you find the strength that you need and the grace to walk through.


  7. Buddy, you have well described the pain and sadness you feel. It's really hard to understand how people can go on about their daily lives, laughing, making plans, just as if nothing is wrong. But your world is crushed and changed forever. Does anyone care? Yes, Buddy. There are people who care. There are people who have been there and done that.

    While you feel that hell cannot any worse than what you are going through, Buddy, hell is eternal. What you are going through is temporary. The loss may be permanent, or not, but time will help heal the soul and you can go on. It sounds like you want to live a better life for yourself and you can do that. It must be done with the help of someone greater than yourself. Stay close to your family and friends. Surround yourself with positive things. Don't isolate. You will come through this a better person because you seem to know where your went wrong. And you must let yourself grieve your brother. Don't fight that. It is human to grieve. I will follow your blog to see how you are doing. God be with you, Dr. Bobbi Jo

  8. Hi Buddy, I came by way of your precious Mama's blog. I am so sorry for the many losses you have experienced and are experiencing. In the midst of pain and confusion may you experience God's presence and comfort. You are not alone, even though it very well may feel that way. We have a big God, he can take your anger, fear, frustration, loneliness.....pour it all out to him. He loves you and longs to heal you, it is not an easy journey, but boy howdy is it worth it. There is joy in the morning.


  9. Hi Buddy, I just meet your Mom tonight. We both have lost a child this year. My son was 27 and died very unexpectedly. My daughter called the other day saying she was suicidal. That life just didn't have any meaning any more. I am sorry about your wife. I know how it can be to lose the one you love. We have to hold on. We are here for a reason. I must admit I sometimes do not know why God has just not taken me,but each day goes on. Don't give up.

  10. I have not been through what you have been heart aches for you.
    I do know the pain of separation....and the joy of being united.
    Hold on to God....He is near...and your tears do not slip past Him unnoticed. Each of your tears are held by Him. And if scripture says He collects all your tears....then you know He must be ever so close.

  11. Buddy, I am visiting from my sister in Christ's blog Denise. I am very sorry for the loss of your brother Jake. I lost my baby brother when he was 23 years old in 1994. While the comfort of Jesus has given me the strength I needed to press forward I still think of, miss and love him very much...that will never change.

    I'm sorry for the pain in your life and I wanted you to know I'm saying a prayer for you right now...

  12. Buddy - I don't have anything to offer you today except my prayers. I am praying that you find comfort and peace resting in his arms.

  13. I appreciate all of your wonderful well wishes. I feel like I'm carrying the weight of the world, but I know that better men have carried heavier. My Brother had it tough his whole life and he seldom complained. He just smiled that grin of his and said "The Lord will take care of Jake"

    Losing my Brother and best friend... the one person that I wished I were more like, and going through what I'm going through with my marriage. It's tough, but I know there are people with much tougher situations. I love my wife and have failed her as a husband. I just don't think I was meant to be taken out of the wild. I know it's a sorry excuse, but it's what I have and who I am. My Brother once described where and how I lived as "so lonely" but to me it was the greatest peace on Earth. I miss that peace, my Brother, and I wish I had been better at being a husband, because my wife is just about as good a person as I will ever find.