Monday, September 20, 2010

For Jess

You are an amazing woman who is also an amazing mother. Being your husband wasn't a thing I took lightly, I failed at it, but always had hopes that I would become the man you wanted me to be, or that I would settle in. In the end I think it is a case of me having too much of my father's old ways, and you having a little of your mother's old ways. Perhaps I was never meant to be taken from the woods. I do know that some wild things can not live apart from the wild. We had so much passion in all that we did, I will always love you and always have regrets. I know this. Perhaps I'll find the resources to build the little cabin my heart has always desired, perhaps I'll get my old job back and live comfortably in quiet predictability. I don't know, but I do know that I will miss you just as I miss my Brother, and that just like his and my relationship I will have regrets.

When I was growing up my mother would tell me "we learn from our mistakes... we just don't want to get our whole education that way" and also "life is lived going forward, but understood looking back" and I can only pray that we'll both take some positive things from this. I am so sorry that I let you and the kids down. I have laid awake for the past week and a half wishing I'd done so much so differently, but what's done is done and I don't think I'll ever be able to outrun or live down the mistakes I made. I hurt your heart in far too many ways, and that is something that will never leave me. Hurting the people you love is the most terrible thing a person can do.

I don't know if we'll be friends in the future. I don't know if I'll come here and fish with your father and do things with the kids... I don't want to do the wrong things and send mixed messages to young minds. I know the kids will be ok before long because they have their dad who is a really good guy, and they have their mother who is a wonderful woman.

My prayer is that you find true and lasting happiness. I hope that you meet a man that puts you over the moon in every way and that you live long and happily together. I pray for the boys to have wonderful independent lives that are productive and filled with love. I pray that Bella is happy and continues to strive for perfection. If anyone can achieve it, it will be her!

I will find my woods and build my cabin, I will smell the rain on the pines and hear the rooster crow in the early morning hours... and someday it'll all be alright for us both.

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