It's sad that we take so much for granted. Most of the time we can love someone, be close to them in our heart, but allow time and space to keep us apart. We think that tomorrow will always be OK because they will be here.
When we are wrong it is the most terrible kind of wrong in the world. Without my Brother I have no care for life. I took him for granted, thinking him being younger he would always be here with me. I was so terribly wrong.
Even though I rubbed his hair and held his hand while he lay there in his casket I still can not accept that he is gone. I feel like there is a place somewhere where if I go and wait, he'll come along and we can go on living as Brothers and best friends. If I could just find that place. I feel dead inside. I feel empty and even though there are people in my life who love me, I feel alone. I am wracked with regrets about what I should have done, or should have known, or could have done or said to make things different.
I dream of him and we are doing things, going places. Mostly I am trying to keep him safe in my dreams. I feel like there is a stop watch or an hour glass at work and I an desperately trying to gain control of a bad situation and make it turn out all right, and then when I awake... I know that I have failed, and nothing is right.