Thursday, July 22, 2010

Time drags on here in this dark and frightful place

It has been over a month since I lost my best friend and Brother. His name was and is Jake Gregory Wendling. Much of who he was as a man is someone that came to be while I was gone, out exploring the world. But even as we were apart for those years there was a bond, a closeness to us that I could sense his growing. I was always so proud of him. When he started working out and getting bigger and stronger, I was impressed. I didn't show him how much though, and I now wish that I had. When he got sober, I was so thankful and happy. He was always my hero and I was his big brother. At times I took that role too far, and I babied him. He may have not have always understood why I treated him so, but it was because he was so precious. As I have said, he is the only man I've ever wanted to be more like. He was none of the things that I have always been. he was slow to anger, not vengeful, easy to laugh and smile, he would gladly show his love for all of God's children and creations. He was not perfect, but he was a wonderful kind and truly loving person. When he left this world a great vacuum opened up in my soul. A great emptiness that has left me without purpose or direction, without desire or happiness. Where once there was the greatest love for my Brother and knowledge that my best friend would always be there, there is now just numbing sadness.

It's hard for the other people in my life to understand this, and for that I am so sorry. So sorry. I love my wife and children, my parents and sisters, my two dogs that I've had for the last eleven years... but I am so overcome with loneliness and grief that I can not smile. I can not eat. I feel like I am just marching in place.

My Brother. Oh how he was such a sweet person. He loved me and I him, he loved us all and cared so much for us. I missed the last six months of his life and we seldom spoke on the phone. There was no problem between us, life had just taken us in our own directions, like the flowing river that it is. Now all I feel is deep, deep regret that I didn't swim against that river and make more of an effort to be in his life. After all, he was truly my best friend. I will always feel like I let him down by not staying in touch. I have an anger for myself for allowing this to happen. I was the big brother. It was my job to be the one to keep the ties strong and I failed. Now it's all gone. There will never be another dinner with him, or fishing or hunting trip. There will never be another chance to help him with a project, or to just see him while visiting my mom. Never another hug and an "I love you, Brother" when I would bump into him somewhere in town. It hurts so much and it is so big and awful that I can not wrap my mind around it. It still hasn't sunk in like I know it will someday. I still can not completely accept that he is gone, but at the same time I do and that is why I am so miserable and filled with loneliness.

I don't know when or if I will ever get past this, but I am sorry for the way it must surely be affecting the rest of my family. To my wife, it is not you. You are just as beautiful as you have ever been, my heart still loves you and needs you. To my kids, both two and four legged, I still love you and am not angry or displeased with you, you are all wonderful and I am so proud of you. To my parents and sisters, I love you and pray that you all are having less difficulty with this than I am.

I love you all, but my heart is so broken that I do not know how I will ever put it together again.

5 comments:

  1. Oh Honey you're not alone.. I sit here and my heart is breaking into. I sob and sob and look at Jake's sweet face and feel that I am lost and I must will myself to stop and pray and ask Jesus to help me one day , one hour and one minute at a time. and he is so merciful. I just have to keep believing Jake is where he is supposed to be and I have to rely totally on the arms of God to keep myself from thinking and dwelling on myself and what I'm missing. It works sometimes only minutes at a time. But it works. I love you. momma

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  2. DEAR BUDDY,
    I JUST NOTICED YOUR BLOG LISTED ON THE SIDE BAR OF YOUR MOTHER'S BLOG.
    THERE ARE NO MAGICAL WORDS OR HAPPY PILLS WE CAN TAKE. GRIEF CANNOT BE PENCILED INTO A CALENDAR THAT ON SUCH AND SUCH A DAY GRIEF WILL BE OVER.
    MY DAUGHTER AMY WILL HAVE BEEN IN HEAVEN ONE YEAR ON OCT 23, 2010.
    WITHOUT GOD, I WOULD HAVE NEVER MADE IT. I HAVE ONE SON AND AMY AND RICHIE WERE 7 YEARS A PART...BUT AS CLOSE AS TWINS. HE WATCHED HER SUFFER FOR SO LONG HE WAS AT PEACE WHEN SHE STEPPED INTO THE ARMS OF JESUS....NO MORE PAIN. I STILL WORRY ABOUT HIM BECAUSE HE NEVER SAYS A SINGLE WORD ABOUT HER...THAT IS VERY SCARY TO ME.
    YOU KEEP WRITING, SUGAR. IT WILL HELP THE PROCESS OF HEALING YOUR HEART AND MORE THAN ANYTHING DO NOT EVER FEEL GUILTY FOR WHAT YOU DIDN'T DO WITH JAKE AND SPEND IT WITH YOUR WIFE, CHILDREN, AND DOGS....AND IT IS WONDERFUL YOU HAVE REASSURED THEM YOU LOVE THEM....AND THIS IS A VERY DIFFICULT TIME FOR YOU. PEOPLE, I AM NOT SAYING YOUR FAMILY, TEND TO FORGET THE PAIN SOMEONE IS GOING THROUGH AND THEY ARE VERY CRITICAL....BUT JUST GIVE EVERYTHING TO JESUS. HE IS OUR ONLY ANSWER. I CAN'T EVEN IMAGINE THE THE BEAUTY YOUR JAKE AND MY AMY ARE SEEING IN HEAVEN RIGHT NOW.
    IT JUST TAKES TIME.
    GOD BLESS YOU BUDDY.
    I AM SO VERY SORRY FOR YOUR LOSS.
    YOU AND YOUR FAMILY ARE IN MY DAILY PRAYERS.
    LOVE AND HUGS
    SIMPLY DEBBIE

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  3. Buddy, I am one of your mom's followers. I don't even remember how I came across her blog, or she came across mine, but I'm so happy that it happened. It hasn't been that long ago, either, but I felt a connection the minute we "met". That's one of the neatest things about blogs.
    I've always been a firm believer that writing about our lives, especially our sorrows, truly helps us heal. I cannot totally relate to how you feel or what you are going through. Nobody can, even if situation are identical, people have different feelings and different reactions to tragedies . I can tell you, though, that I too lost a sibling. It wasn't so shocking and immediate as your situation, but it was still so traumatic to me. I wondered at the time...what is worse? Knowing that someone is dying of cancer and wondering how much more time is left, or if someone dies suddenly, as in a car wreck. My sister died in 1984 and I can honestly tell you that it was YEARS before I could talk about her for more than a sentence or two, without crying. She was 16 years older than me, so she was like a mother, a sister, a friend. I'm sure you're sick of hearing people say that it just takes time, but that is part of "the answer". I also sought out a therapist, to talk about my feelings and THAT also helped greatly. Don't be so hard on yourself, Buddy. You sound like an awesome guy and you deserve to be happy again.

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  4. I pray all of you find peace, not acceptence, but some ease from your breaking hearts. I am a blog friend of your mom's and I read how she suffers. I have 2 brothers and I would be lost without them. Keep writing and we will keep reading.
    Love,
    Debbie

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