Saturday, August 7, 2010

Dear Jake

Dear Jake,

It's been a while since I wrote to you. Usually when I write it's to tell you how to take car of some kind of animal, or where the best woods around my house to hunt in are. I just wanted to tell you that I really miss you. It's been a long time since I saw you and got to hug you, or to kid around with you and share a laugh. I just got back from momma's house the other day. I drove up and spent some time with momma, dad, Lori, and Shari. I even got to see some of the grand-nephews and nieces!

We're getting ready to send Malcolm off to school. He'll be living in the dorms with lots of other kids but he'll get to come home regularly. It's going to be tough sending him to school, but it's the best thing for him. We all know that he has the potential for a good and independent life, and this school is going to be the key to making that happen. We're going to miss him and worry about him. Maybe if you get a chance you can check in on him from time to time. I would really appreciate that. I think Add and Bella are going to be OK, but we're worried that other family who love him so much can't see what a great opportunity this is. We're hoping they'll come around in time as they see the positive changes in Malcolm.

Momma told me she saw you in a dream the other night and that it really made her heart feel better. I really wish that I could have a dream like that. It's still really hard for me to look at your pictures because it just reminds me of the terrible truth as we humans see it. It's impossible to imagine what Heaven is like, so I can't conceive of what things are like for you, I just know they're wonderful. But I miss you, and I am an imperfect human, so my grief and selfishness stand in the way of knowing that you're in a better place than this war torn, hate-ridden world we live in. I have my own share of hate. I'm going to try to give it over to the Lord though. Knowing that some terrible person hurt your heart is almost more than I can carry around. The "Buddy" in me compels me to act like a grizzly bear protecting it's family, but the "Lance" in me compels me to keep myself in check so that our families aren't further hurt. It's so hard. It's not for me though, it's for them. If it were just me, I wouldn't care. Anyway, you know what I mean so I won't go into it any more.

I finally started talking to dad again, I wish you could have been with us when we started talking. I know how powerfully good it would have made you feel. It's just another of my regrets. I also got saved, because it was heavy on my heart and I remember how concerned you were for me. Don't worry, I took care of it. I may be slow, but I come around eventually.

I will keep trying to be a better person, to help our families, and to be a better Christian. I miss you and I love you and some day we'll get to see each other again. I look forward to that time more than words can say.

Until then,
I love you.
Your brother Buddy.


  1. Hi there Buddy, I am a blog friend of your Mom's! I wanted to stop by and say that I am praying for all of you! I can tell that you love Jake so much and will forever have him in your heart! Keep on keeping on and Jake sees you and your good deeds! After my Mom and Dad passed away, I saw them in dreams too and you will also! My Mom was in a wheelchair after having a stroke and in my dream I was laying in her lap with her telling me it would be OK:) It was sweet and calming!

    Have a blessed day and God helps heal our broken hearts!

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  3. Well my first comment didn't come out right so here goes again. I found your blog on your mother's blogsite. What a loving and sweet letter to your brother this was. I know this won't help now but maybe give you a glimmer of hope. I lost my brother when I was 19 and he was 17. I'm nearly 61 now. The hole in your heart will never go away but the hurt in your heart will eventually be healed. And you'll have moments in your life where you'll think "Oh I wonder what Jake would have said about this if he were here" and think about him with fondness rather than regret. Keep talking out loud and carrying on like you know he'd want you to and things will be OK. Hugs!

  4. Your brother is watching over you, and very much loving you.