Monday, October 4, 2010

What can I call this?

Today is the 4th of October. in 13 days it will be four months since we all lost Jake. For the first two months I would sob whenever he came into my mind. For this last month I have cried less and less and now I am just filled with a sense of loss. Senseless loss. I have a void, a great emptiness inside that is incapable of being filled at this time. I am also filled with anger. I have a great amount of hatred for the person who robbed my Brother of his love for life. I know that the hatred I feel is unChristian and unhealthy, but I don't know how else to feel. I have prayed about it, but maybe I just haven't prayed the right way. I don't know. I don't know what to do about it.

I do know that I pray for a "visit" from my Brother, to see him in dreams, to hear his voice... anything. I get nothing but more sadness. No mystical visits, no comforting dreams. Nothing. Tap tap tap... is this thing on?

And I wonder. Why can I not see him when others do? Why can I not hear him or smile with him in my dreams? Have I done something wrong or am I being punished? I just don't know. It just doesn't make sense. This entire thing is senseless.


  1. Sometimes life does not make sense, but one day soon, I promise, everything dim, will become very clear. Love, prayers, and blessings to you.

  2. Buddy, I hope you will read the books we have sent to you. They are helping us greatly. And Theresa sent me another one she asked for me to share with you when I finish it. Love, Momma

  3. Life is really crummy some time. I know I am living it yet I never stop thinking about everyone else I know that is suffering and struggling. I just pray. I hope you are having many better days. Just remember some day you will see Jake again. Do not dwell on sadness. Remember how terrific he was and all the glorious moments you spent with him. Keep smiling for your family and always remember that God is watching and He loves you! Anne

  4. Hi Buddy I am your amazing mom's blogger friend. I think your writing about your feelings at the loss of Jake is healing in itself. Proclaim your hurt and anger and you will come to understand and accept life as it is.Blessings