Today is the 4th of October. in 13 days it will be four months since we all lost Jake. For the first two months I would sob whenever he came into my mind. For this last month I have cried less and less and now I am just filled with a sense of loss. Senseless loss. I have a void, a great emptiness inside that is incapable of being filled at this time. I am also filled with anger. I have a great amount of hatred for the person who robbed my Brother of his love for life. I know that the hatred I feel is unChristian and unhealthy, but I don't know how else to feel. I have prayed about it, but maybe I just haven't prayed the right way. I don't know. I don't know what to do about it.
I do know that I pray for a "visit" from my Brother, to see him in dreams, to hear his voice... anything. I get nothing but more sadness. No mystical visits, no comforting dreams. Nothing. Tap tap tap... is this thing on?
And I wonder. Why can I not see him when others do? Why can I not hear him or smile with him in my dreams? Have I done something wrong or am I being punished? I just don't know. It just doesn't make sense. This entire thing is senseless.