Hey little Brother!

Hey Jake, I just wanted to say hi and let you know that I am thinking about you. I miss you and I love you. We got Malcolm off to school in Taladaga and I was so excited because I knew how much you would have loved to have seen the big race track!

I'm getting ready to head out to derby practice. We have a home bout coming up against the Chattanooga roller girls and we hope to have a win. I have to stay on these girls and keep their nose to the grindstone, but it's fun. I wish you could come see a bout, I know you would just love it and maybe even find a good woman! ;)

Anyway, I love you and you never leave my heart or thoughts. I look forward to seeing you again someday and never leaving your side.

Love you,
Buddy

Dear Jake

Dear Jake,

It's been a while since I wrote to you. Usually when I write it's to tell you how to take car of some kind of animal, or where the best woods around my house to hunt in are. I just wanted to tell you that I really miss you. It's been a long time since I saw you and got to hug you, or to kid around with you and share a laugh. I just got back from momma's house the other day. I drove up and spent some time with momma, dad, Lori, and Shari. I even got to see some of the grand-nephews and nieces!

We're getting ready to send Malcolm off to school. He'll be living in the dorms with lots of other kids but he'll get to come home regularly. It's going to be tough sending him to school, but it's the best thing for him. We all know that he has the potential for a good and independent life, and this school is going to be the key to making that happen. We're going to miss him and worry about him. Maybe if you get a chance you can check in on him from time to time. I would really appreciate that. I think Add and Bella are going to be OK, but we're worried that other family who love him so much can't see what a great opportunity this is. We're hoping they'll come around in time as they see the positive changes in Malcolm.

Momma told me she saw you in a dream the other night and that it really made her heart feel better. I really wish that I could have a dream like that. It's still really hard for me to look at your pictures because it just reminds me of the terrible truth as we humans see it. It's impossible to imagine what Heaven is like, so I can't conceive of what things are like for you, I just know they're wonderful. But I miss you, and I am an imperfect human, so my grief and selfishness stand in the way of knowing that you're in a better place than this war torn, hate-ridden world we live in. I have my own share of hate. I'm going to try to give it over to the Lord though. Knowing that some terrible person hurt your heart is almost more than I can carry around. The "Buddy" in me compels me to act like a grizzly bear protecting it's family, but the "Lance" in me compels me to keep myself in check so that our families aren't further hurt. It's so hard. It's not for me though, it's for them. If it were just me, I wouldn't care. Anyway, you know what I mean so I won't go into it any more.

I finally started talking to dad again, I wish you could have been with us when we started talking. I know how powerfully good it would have made you feel. It's just another of my regrets. I also got saved, because it was heavy on my heart and I remember how concerned you were for me. Don't worry, I took care of it. I may be slow, but I come around eventually.

I will keep trying to be a better person, to help our families, and to be a better Christian. I miss you and I love you and some day we'll get to see each other again. I look forward to that time more than words can say.

Until then,
I love you.
Your brother Buddy.

Time drags on here in this dark and frightful place

It has been over a month since I lost my best friend and Brother. His name was and is Jake Gregory Wendling. Much of who he was as a man is someone that came to be while I was gone, out exploring the world. But even as we were apart for those years there was a bond, a closeness to us that I could sense his growing. I was always so proud of him. When he started working out and getting bigger and stronger, I was impressed. I didn't show him how much though, and I now wish that I had. When he got sober, I was so thankful and happy. He was always my hero and I was his big brother. At times I took that role too far, and I babied him. He may have not have always understood why I treated him so, but it was because he was so precious. As I have said, he is the only man I've ever wanted to be more like. He was none of the things that I have always been. he was slow to anger, not vengeful, easy to laugh and smile, he would gladly show his love for all of God's children and creations. He was not perfect, but he was a wonderful kind and truly loving person. When he left this world a great vacuum opened up in my soul. A great emptiness that has left me without purpose or direction, without desire or happiness. Where once there was the greatest love for my Brother and knowledge that my best friend would always be there, there is now just numbing sadness.

It's hard for the other people in my life to understand this, and for that I am so sorry. So sorry. I love my wife and children, my parents and sisters, my two dogs that I've had for the last eleven years... but I am so overcome with loneliness and grief that I can not smile. I can not eat. I feel like I am just marching in place.

My Brother. Oh how he was such a sweet person. He loved me and I him, he loved us all and cared so much for us. I missed the last six months of his life and we seldom spoke on the phone. There was no problem between us, life had just taken us in our own directions, like the flowing river that it is. Now all I feel is deep, deep regret that I didn't swim against that river and make more of an effort to be in his life. After all, he was truly my best friend. I will always feel like I let him down by not staying in touch. I have an anger for myself for allowing this to happen. I was the big brother. It was my job to be the one to keep the ties strong and I failed. Now it's all gone. There will never be another dinner with him, or fishing or hunting trip. There will never be another chance to help him with a project, or to just see him while visiting my mom. Never another hug and an "I love you, Brother" when I would bump into him somewhere in town. It hurts so much and it is so big and awful that I can not wrap my mind around it. It still hasn't sunk in like I know it will someday. I still can not completely accept that he is gone, but at the same time I do and that is why I am so miserable and filled with loneliness.

I don't know when or if I will ever get past this, but I am sorry for the way it must surely be affecting the rest of my family. To my wife, it is not you. You are just as beautiful as you have ever been, my heart still loves you and needs you. To my kids, both two and four legged, I still love you and am not angry or displeased with you, you are all wonderful and I am so proud of you. To my parents and sisters, I love you and pray that you all are having less difficulty with this than I am.

I love you all, but my heart is so broken that I do not know how I will ever put it together again.

Hem Of Your Garment - CAKE

I wish I could forget... because I almost can't remember

I am haunted by the image of my Brother, lying in his coffin with his eyes closed and glasses off, like he was sleeping. His lips were slightly parted on the right side, with just a glimpse of his teeth.

I can't remember seeing him alive and it's breaking my heart. I almost can't remember his voice. I can't look at pictures of him because it hurts so much. I hate being alive without him. I hate so deeply not having him with me. I've had my heart broken before, but this is beyond that. This is like having your eyes cut out and knowing you'll never see again, or having your back shattered and knowing you'll never walk again.

This hurt will never go away.

Children think deeper than we think

My son and I were going to the store and he was very quiet the whole way there and back. When we got near the house I asked him if he was sad about something and he said "yes"

I asked him what it was, thinking he was say that he missed his mom or would miss his brother who is soon going off to school, but he said "I miss Jake."

And that's all he said, but he said it with a deep and genuine sadness. I told him that I do too, every moment for the rest of my life.

Not going anywhere?

Today I was looking in my locker for something and I found a half eaten snickers candy bar. As I was about to throw it away I realized that I couldn't... it was the candy bar I bought the day my Brother died. I held it in my hand and I cried. I had eaten half of it while he was still alive. Just like that candy bar, my heart is forever torn in half.