I wish I could forget... because I almost can't remember

I am haunted by the image of my Brother, lying in his coffin with his eyes closed and glasses off, like he was sleeping. His lips were slightly parted on the right side, with just a glimpse of his teeth.

I can't remember seeing him alive and it's breaking my heart. I almost can't remember his voice. I can't look at pictures of him because it hurts so much. I hate being alive without him. I hate so deeply not having him with me. I've had my heart broken before, but this is beyond that. This is like having your eyes cut out and knowing you'll never see again, or having your back shattered and knowing you'll never walk again.

This hurt will never go away.

Children think deeper than we think

My son and I were going to the store and he was very quiet the whole way there and back. When we got near the house I asked him if he was sad about something and he said "yes"

I asked him what it was, thinking he was say that he missed his mom or would miss his brother who is soon going off to school, but he said "I miss Jake."

And that's all he said, but he said it with a deep and genuine sadness. I told him that I do too, every moment for the rest of my life.

Not going anywhere?

Today I was looking in my locker for something and I found a half eaten snickers candy bar. As I was about to throw it away I realized that I couldn't... it was the candy bar I bought the day my Brother died. I held it in my hand and I cried. I had eaten half of it while he was still alive. Just like that candy bar, my heart is forever torn in half.

This is my prayer.

Yesterday I was at work and I glanced up for a second and I saw my Brother. I was jolted and did a double take and of course it wasn't really him. The person was Jake's height and had his haircut and hair color. My heart was broken all over again.

Last week I was walking up my driveway thinking of Jake and wishing that I could just hug him once more, and I realized that my arms were out in front of me, encircling the empty air.

I pray Dear Lord, give me strength. I know that it is not my place to understand your will. I ask Dear Lord that you give me the strength, that you help me find the strength to accept it. I ask Dear Lord that you have pity on me and that you have mercy on me. I know that you are powerful beyond all measure and that anything you will can and will happen. I know that you can and often do teach us harsh lessons that we think of as cruel. We do not understand these lessons and often our faith in you comes into question. I ask you Dear Lord that you bolster my faith, that you make me like a rock in my faith. I ask that you make me thirsty to know you better and that you compel me to read and learn more about you.

I pray Dear Lord that you drive me to be a better man, to take responsibility for the things in life that are mine to own up to. I ask that you help me find the strength, wisdom, and patience that I need in order to be all the things to all the people in my life who need me, and whom I love. I ask Dear Lord that you compel me to never forget to do more for others than I do for myself. I ask for a servant's heart, Dear Lord. I have been humbled and my world is shaken to its core. I ask that you build me up, Lord. I ask that you guide me to do the right things, and to be a better person and to be the Christian that you wish for me to be.

I ask that you give strength and all the things that I ask for myself to my family as well. I ask that you keep us all close together, and that we never forget how to love each other, and that we always love, honor, and respect each other. I ask to be a better son, a better brother, a better husband, and a better father.

This is my prayer, Lord. I pray these things in the name of Jesus Christ and ask that you hear my prayer.
Amen.

Yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away...

It's sad that we take so much for granted. Most of the time we can love someone, be close to them in our heart, but allow time and space to keep us apart. We think that tomorrow will always be OK because they will be here.

When we are wrong it is the most terrible kind of wrong in the world. Without my Brother I have no care for life. I took him for granted, thinking him being younger he would always be here with me. I was so terribly wrong.

Even though I rubbed his hair and held his hand while he lay there in his casket I still can not accept that he is gone. I feel like there is a place somewhere where if I go and wait, he'll come along and we can go on living as Brothers and best friends. If I could just find that place. I feel dead inside. I feel empty and even though there are people in my life who love me, I feel alone. I am wracked with regrets about what I should have done, or should have known, or could have done or said to make things different.

I dream of him and we are doing things, going places. Mostly I am trying to keep him safe in my dreams. I feel like there is a stop watch or an hour glass at work and I an desperately trying to gain control of a bad situation and make it turn out all right, and then when I awake... I know that I have failed, and nothing is right.

Wisdom Teeth!

At 42 I just had my last wisdom tooth removed. When I was younger I had had a molar in front of the tooth pulled and over time the wisdom tooth had grown in to the space and replaced the older molar. It developed a cavity a few years ago and last year I decided to have it pulled. The dentist I saw convinced me to have it filled instead of pulled, so I went ahead and followed her advice. Bad mistake. She was not a very good dentist. She drilled into the root and instead of going ahead and pulling it she placed some kind of barrier over the exposed root and went ahead with the filling. It has caused me pain ever since.

Yesterday I finally had the tooth removed. They put me under and cut it out. I can finally look forward to some relief when this thing heals. Did someone say "ice cream"? Oh yeah!!!

Today is the first...

Last year started out tough. Tragic things happened in January and February that were difficult to recover from. The blessing was that these events did not include any of my family. Many heart felt and tough decisions were made in 2009 and things are slowly smoothing out. Just as not all change is good, not all change is bad. The constant is change it's self. We must be adaptive and able to find the positive if we are ever to be happy. My positive is that I have a beautiful new wife who mirrors me in more ways than anyone ever has yet still maintains a separate, strong identity. I have also gained an extended family, 3 new children and a mother and father in law whom I am very close to.

I believe that 2010 is going to be a good year. It will present it's share of challenges, but I believe it'll be filled with love, laughter, and happiness.

God blesses me daily. I am thankful for the blessings and lessons he bestows upon me and wish the same for all of you.