I'm trying...

I know that God wants for me to be in this marriage, to make it work. I know that God expects us to take our vows seriously. I'm trying. It's so hard though. I don't know how to show happiness, I wasn't taught. Growing up I was punished by my father for being happy, so displaying smiles and laughing out loud are difficult. Also communication was not something that occurred so I do not always know what I am supposed to say, so many times I am guarded and show little in the way of positive emotion for fear of saying the wrong thing.

We are going to church every Sunday now and that makes me feel really good, and I think it makes my wife happy too. I am working on personal growth and trying to get my mood swings and emotions under control. I am always trying. That and praying is all that I can do. I do not plan on giving up. This is my home, and this is my family. I love them and they are worth whatever effort it takes to get this marriage on track.

I keep trying...

but it just doesn't seem to be good enough, because no matter how hard I try I seem to come up short. I just seem to bring the worst out in people.

Kossoy Sisters- I'll Fly Away - O Brother Where Art Thou

What can I call this?

Today is the 4th of October. in 13 days it will be four months since we all lost Jake. For the first two months I would sob whenever he came into my mind. For this last month I have cried less and less and now I am just filled with a sense of loss. Senseless loss. I have a void, a great emptiness inside that is incapable of being filled at this time. I am also filled with anger. I have a great amount of hatred for the person who robbed my Brother of his love for life. I know that the hatred I feel is unChristian and unhealthy, but I don't know how else to feel. I have prayed about it, but maybe I just haven't prayed the right way. I don't know. I don't know what to do about it.

I do know that I pray for a "visit" from my Brother, to see him in dreams, to hear his voice... anything. I get nothing but more sadness. No mystical visits, no comforting dreams. Nothing. Tap tap tap... is this thing on?

And I wonder. Why can I not see him when others do? Why can I not hear him or smile with him in my dreams? Have I done something wrong or am I being punished? I just don't know. It just doesn't make sense. This entire thing is senseless.

Building my own home, part one... the beginning.

My plan is to move back to Louisiana and live on the land that I was most happiest in life. The home I lived in isn't available anymore, but the folks who own the land have agreed to allow me to move onto the land their late son lived on. They enjoyed my living there and look at me as family. They have agreed to charge me a very small monthly lot fee and there is water, septic tank, electricity and phone hook ups all there. I asked if i could put up a small building and they agreed. I have drafted scale plans for a small 700 sq ft cabin type home that is very nice. I will do the majority of work myself and ask for help only when I need help lifting framed walls so that I can tack them into place. I will do the electrical, plumbing, roofing, and everything else.

I am going to have to put this thing together on a shoe string budget and will likely need to accumulate building materials. I have broken the materials list into two categories: materials needed to frame the home from the ground up creating a livable structure that will keep the weather off of me while I live there and continue to build. The second list is comprised of materials needed to finish the home off. Things such as toilet, sinks, tub, pvc piping, faucets, electrical wiring and various electrical extras needed to run appliances such as an a/c, refrigerator, small stove, small washing machine, ceiling fan, and 5 plug boxes throughout the small structure.

If I am able to pull this off I will post pictures as I go. This has been my life long dream and sadly, in my dreams my Brother helped me build it and I shared it with someone I would spend the rest of my life with. I guess if it works out and I do get to build it I'll share it with Sunny and Daisy May, who have been my faithful, loyal and trusted friends for the past 11 years.


The first list

List of building materials:

Framing lumber (enough to create a walled and roofed shell with sub floor/floor)

-osb (Oriented strand board, which is far less expensive than plywood) (4x8x3/4) quantity of 78 pieces

-2x8x8 (pressure treated) quantity of 90 pieces

-2x4x8 (pressure treated) quantity of 200 pieces

-FGUR20 ASTM 30 Lb. Felt Quality Roof Deck Protection quantity of 3 rolls

-Black Fiberglass Mineral Surfaced quantity of 6 rolls

-Grip-Rite 2d, 1 In. 5-Lb Electro-Galvanized Roofing Nails quantity of 1 box

-Grip Rite 16d, 3-1/4 In. 30-Lb Bucket Coated Sinker Nails quantity of 60 pounds (two buckets)

-Grip Rite 1-1/4 In. Coarse Drywall Bucket 25 Lb quantity of 50 pounds (two boxes)

-Deck Mate 1 Pound 2-1/2 In. Green Premium Exterior Screws quantity of 5 pounds (five boxes)

-Exterior latex paint, OD (olive drab) quantity of 5 gallons

With lots of prayer, dreaming, hard work, and help from friends I just may be able to make this happen. Stay tuned.

Mad World - Gary Jules

Some days...

Some days I'll be driving, and I'm always thinking about Jake. And pictures of how he passed will come into my mind and I will see that demon that was there at that horrible moment and I will think of all the details that people don't want to think of. I have seen a great many terrible things in my life, so the images come to my mind's eye. I push them away with Herculean effort and anger flows in to fill their place. I reflexively strike out at my dash or steering wheel. The desire crush something with my anger is tangible. It is as real as thunder during a storm.

And then it fades away and I am left with that terrible knowledge of what really is and I drive on.